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Yes... I feel your pain... but as a former first poster (I scored mine a
couple months ago) I know what you went through. Here's where you screwed
up though... YOU DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER. You didn't carpe diem.

Yep... When I saw that nice clean article with no posts I didn't hesitate,
yes the adrenaline was surging... my palms were wet, heart pounding. I was
standing at the peak of greatness... I knew I had but one thing to do,
there was no turning back now... I rapidly typed in a one word post.. then
with no hesitation I navigated my mouse over the submit button... and
WHAM.. seconds later I was looking at my feeble post with a #1 attached to
the header. At that mmoment I knew a feeling that only few will ever
know... I was at one with Slashdot... Zen masters and Kings will relate
I'm sure. That one sweet moment when the ying and the yang converge...
bliss... eternal bliss... ahhh! 

Then I smoked a cigarette and went to bed.

   -- Anonymous Coward, in response to a "First Post!" that clearly wasn't.

What If Bill Gates Was a Stand-Up Comedian? 

 1. None of his jokes would be funny.
 2. Subliminal message hyping Microsoft and Windows 98 would be inserted
    throughout his performance.
 3. The audio system (running Windows NT) would always crash right before Bill
    got to a punch line. At that time one of the managers would announce,
    "Please hold tight while we diagnose this intermittent issue."
 4. Tickets for Bill's show would be handed out for free in an attempt to
    attract customers away from Netscape's shows.
 5. Industry pundits would call Bill's show "innovative" and would ask "Why
    doesn't IBM have a stand-up routine? This is exactly why OS/2 is failing in
    the market."
 6. Bill's show would be called "ActiveHumor 98"
 7. In a perfect imitation of his Windows 95 OS, Bill wouldn't be able to tell
    a joke and walk around at the same time.
 8. Audience members would have to sign a License Agreement in which one of the
    terms is "I agree never to watch Linus Torvalds' show, 'GNU/Humorux'".
 9. All audience members would receive a free CD of Internet Explorer 4.0, with
    FakeJava(R) and ActiveHex(tm) technology.
10. Bill Gates would appear on Saturday Night Live, causing ratings to drop
    even further.

If Microsoft Owned McDonald's
Source: Unknown 

 1. Every order would come with fries whether you asked for them or not.
 2. When they introduce McPizza, the marketing makes it seem that they invented
    pizza.
 3. "A McDonald's on every block" -- Bill Gates.
 4. You'd be constantly pressured to upgrade to a more expensive burger.
 5. Sometimes you'll find that the burger box is empty. For some strange reason
    you'll accept this and purchase another one.
 6. They'd claim the burgers are the same size as at other fast food chains,
    but in reality it's just a larger bun hiding the small beef patty.
 7. Straws wouldn't be available until after you finish your drink.
 8. "Push" technology -- they have McD employees come to your door and sell you
    Happy Meals.
 9. Your order would never be right but the cash register would work perfectly
    for taking your money.
10. The "Special Sauce" cannot be reverse engineered, decompiled, or placed on
    more than 1 Big Mac.

      Caller: I just installed Windows 95 on my computer.
Tech Support: And...?
      Caller: It's not working.
Tech Support: You already said that.

An OS/2 professional visits a seminar for Windows 95. During the practice
lesson Bill Gates asks him: "What do you like about Windows95?" He answers,
"That YOU have to use it."

Choose two:
(A) Fast
(B) Efficient
(C) Stable
(D) Windows 95 (counts as two)

Are you scared of speed?  If so, then try Windows 95.

Windows 95 is not a virus.  Viruses actually do something.

"Windows for Dummies" is much more than a book title, it's a Microsoft
way of life!

Windows 95: Proof that P. T. Barnum was right.