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Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

Real programs don't eat cache.

Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions
for scratch space after they are finished calling them?

Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.

Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal
computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
Correctness Verification Aid packages.

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like using an
undocumented external procedure.

Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.

Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
down the system for days.